Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Indeed, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, town Traditionally known for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It should be tremendous. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are developing them with balconies."

Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and solely away from put. Developed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower features:

A a few-ground On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until finally the drone flies")

In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable water. But Sure, guaranteed, let's have One more area where by American men can put on robes and phone it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, naturally."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although former negotiations unsuccessful beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: offer everyone a collection within the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

In accordance with documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is often comfortable power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and much more minibar updates."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It's not that Trump should not Trump Tower Damascus open up a tower in a war zone. It really is that he should quit employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned about the undertaking, replied, "You recognize, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."

Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from House, a characteristic staying marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, categorized.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after getting the constructing's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.

"It's not simply unsightly. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.

The Melania Wing and various Complicated Options

Perhaps the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

A silent atrium the place attendees may contemplate obscure disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate Manage set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.

Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing Technique: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Appear"

The advertisement campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:

"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Without end."

Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:

"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."

Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge shows:

34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"

29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% explained "in which's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"

Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"

The challenge is previously attracting interest from Intercontinental investors, which include:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."

Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount will even include things like:

A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances

A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War

Comment Section Chaos

Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are unable to wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Last but not least, a resort in which my PTSD can have flip-down services."

An additional post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Influence

U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Experiences advise:

China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Closing Thoughts with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:

"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It required a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."